Let me start by saying that Lily has always always been a sleep fighter – really since day one. I remember I tried to be all “go with the flow” and let her sleep with lots of noise around or lights so she could “learn” to sleep under whatever circumstances. I let her sleep with me for months (just to survive) until I got kicked out of my own bed. She didn’t fall asleep nursing (like every other child on earth) and letting her cry for any length of time or days did absolutely nothing except give me a heart attack. This girl has some serious stamina. But I have news for you – you either have a sleeper or you don’t. . .plain and simple. You just cannot mold the child to your imaginations in some ways and I am so thankful to learn this while she is still so young.
With Lily, I always have to be two steps ahead of her in my mind, getting her in the right time window, making sure the room is pitch black and the sound screen on, having a rigid routine, and sticking to my guns LIKE CRAZY – because you give this girl and inch and she takes a mile (in the sleep department for sure). So many mothers never experience the frustration of this because – a.) they do have children who can fall asleep easily and sleep hard when they do - even if the schedule isn’t perfect (i.e. Brian) or b.) you have a child who doesn’t necessarily fall asleep easily but can still remain pleasant and easy going with minimal sleep (i.e. me as a child). But when your child gets the worst of each parent (i.e. Lily) things get really tough.
Brian is a very sensitive person and when he doesn’t get his sleep he is so cranky, but he is still a quiet person. Also, he can set his cell phone alarm and take 10 minute power naps on his lunch break and do just fine (I hear of this in utter amazement). On the other hand, I have a very hard time falling asleep. The only time I do nap is during my first trimester of pregnancy or if I haven’t sleep at all in the night. I usually go to sleep late each night with my mind racing full of thoughts and then hate waking up in the morning. . .but I generally remain an upbeat person with lots of energy and ready for fun, regardless of sleep.
But Poor Lily – she got Brian’s need for sleep but my drama personality when it comes to taking it. She finds it very hard to fall asleep and if she does not she is horribly cranky and unpleasant – let me rephrase that – she is the loudest screamer on the face of this earth. This is in such contrast to her “normal” personality of sweet and self-entertaining etc.
You can imagine how hard this one has made me work! I think I read about five books on sleep (which I enjoyed because I love new information), I mulled over every decision, I poured over her every facial feature to determine the best approach. I have met mostly with great success – the problem is that she keeps growing up which means we keep coming into new phases for me to reason through and solve. Besides keeping the schedule, Lily, also, needs a very low diet of sensory input (i.e. not too much noise and chaos etc.) but a very high diet of physical exertion. If you have a child, you know that accomplishing both of these tasks within a certain window is very challenging (especially in a big city). Most situations that would allow for a lot of exertion (like “kid places”) also provide way too much sensory input so the result is overload. . . and meltdown.
Our recent phase is napping for a few weeks on and and a few weeks off. She still lies in her bed but, in the last few weeks, just talking to herself. So, after a week of not napping she is sufficiently overtired and the bedtime battles begin. She is completely exhausted by bedtime and it makes her so clingy that the minute we leave her room she starts screaming and running out of her room. We calmly return her to her bed and leave. . . rinse and repeat. For another week this process takes two hours each night until she finally gives up in exhaustion. After that, the process takes about an hour each night. For the past couple of nights, it has only taken 30 minutes but she always falls asleep at her door and we eventually put her back in bed – asleep. There have been two days, in all of that, where she did actually nap and we had no bedtime battle whatsoever (of course because sleep begets sleep).
I do feel very thankful for the challenge because I know that it has made me stronger and more in tune with my child. After four years, though, I am tired of thinking about sleep and the reality is that life does just not allow for a routine as rigid as Lily requires to sleep perfectly – so I have to try to just relax a bit.
Also, it is very easy to see her action as just defiance or disobedience. We tell her to stay in her bed and she does not. There are times when it is obvious she is stalling or saying no to bedtime. Most times, though, Dr. Jekyll happily goes upstairs when asked and goes through the bedtime routine, gives happy hugs and kisses, snuggles sweetly down in her bed and then the door shuts and Mr. Hyde emerges. Brian and I are frequently discussing the right way to handle this. A huge hurdle, though, is the one in our own hearts We both build up resentment about the situation in different ways. I start to resent when she just won’t be my definition of “normal”. He resents when he is so tired after putting her to bed that he has no “me” time because he needs to get to his own bedtime. Usually, when we find ourselves overly exasperated we need only to repent of our selfish attitudes and the sleep issue that seemed so earth-shattering is just a matter of staying the course. . . .with the Lord’s help desperately needed.
It is just one of the many ways the Lord teaches me to lean on Him and His strength. . .something as mundane as sleep becomes a great tool for my sanctification! As a consequence, loving Lily is not being overly mushy or romanticizing child rearing. This was me “pre-Lily”. It is a deeper love that isn’t just about me and the warm fuzzies I can get from having a child (though I get plenty of that). It is a much stronger love that has made me a better mom and better friend to other moms. . . but. . . I tell baby girl #2 everyday that I won’t mind a little romance at all the second time around (smile).
So, if you are STILL actually reading this ramble, below is a picture from tonight. Some days bedtime leaves me crazy and frazzled, but tonight I could actually laugh and take a few pictures. The picture is Lily sleeping at her door. The view is from outside of her door, peering underneath it.
dozing at the door
Well, I guess my blog block is over with all my postings the last few days. Sometimes I guess it helps to just throw something out there to get things flowing again. . . but back to my thought.
